It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
