Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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