I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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