im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize
