Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
