i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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