My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Randomize
