We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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