yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
