the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
