There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Randomize
