Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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