I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
