My first STD was from a foam party
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
