so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
