Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
