So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
