I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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