Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
