Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
