I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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