My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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