We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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