I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
