Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
