I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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