Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
