I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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