I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
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