I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
