He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
