Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Randomize
