My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
