my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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