If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
