What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
