Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
