We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
