My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
