Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
my god I love twenty year old dicks
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
