You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
