My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
