i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
