you traded sex for a burrito?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I stole a fireplace last night.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Couch. On fire.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
