You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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