WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
