you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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