Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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