I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Life is so much better after having sex.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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