In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
My dick has a subreddit
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
